Where will your favourite meat alternative come in our ranking? (Picture: Quorn/ Linda McCartney/ Vegusto)
This is the 2017 ranking of meat-free products for meat additcts
In the true spirit of committed veganism I have taken it upon myself to try out as many vegan-friendly meat alternatives as my fridge freezer could hold and whittle it down to my top 25.
Who doesn’t love a good old list?
25. Quorn vegan fillets
It’s not 2008, Quorn. Up your game please.
24. Linda McCartney vegetarian scampi
Sadly these make it clear why regular scampi is the food of choice for children and old people.
23. Quorn fishless fingers
I’m all for retro foodstuffs but give me a cucumber sandwich any day over bland and cardboard-like fake fish.
22. Fry’s chicken-style schnitzel
Eating these made me realise that actual meat really is pointless.
21. Linda McCartney chorizo and red pepper sausage
Sorry Paul, Stella or whoever oversees Linda’s brand these days but vegan or not, red pepper should not be in a sausage.
20. Quorn chicken-style nuggets
A good attempt but they’re just not quite Fry’s, are they?
19. Fry’s battered prawn-style pieces
Reigning over Quorn and Linda’s fishy friends, Fry’s know the secret is just to add a tiny slice of seaweed.
18. Quorn vegan burgers
Quorn burgers are the Gary Barlow of vegan food. Been around a while, getting better with time but beaten by more on-point foodstuffs.
17. Fry’s chicken-style nuggets
In a very scientific vegan nugget taste test and public vote – conducted on Instagram and Twitter, obvs – these came up top every time.
16. Sainsbury’s vegetarian soya mince
I’m not mincing my words when I say this beats rival Tesco’s veggie mince hands down.
15. Vegusto peppery schnitzel steak
Don’t question what this was meant to be IRL. Just enjoy the herby peppery, albeit slightly rubbery, taste.
14. Linda McCartney vegetarian quarter pounder burgers
The Dave of the vegan burger world. Everyone knows him, you can rely on him but you wouldn’t really notice if he wasn’t there.
13. Fry’s chicken-style strips
Versatility gets you everywhere on this list. Well, not quite into the top 10 but far enough.
12. Tofurky smokey maple bacon tempeh strips
If you could box the loud American that likes to tell you just how brunch is done in their country then these strips are what you would have.
11. Linda McCartney vegetarian pulled chicken
Cook it right and it’s crispy and moreish. Cook it wrong and it’s damp and upsetting.
10. Vegusto farmhouse-style sausage
Big, juicy and ever so slightly phallic. But it sure does taste good.
9. Fry’s chicken-style burgers
More flavour and crunch than its Quorn counterpart propels these burgers into the top ten.
8. Vegusto veggie steak
A bit like the shots menu in All Bar One – aesthetically unappealing but surprisingly pleasing on the lips.
7. Sainsbury’s vegetarian meatballs
This is basically Sainsbury’s vegetarian mince 2.0. It’s a wonder what a bit of flavouring and rolling into balls can do.
6. Linda McCartney red onion and…
6. Linda McCartney red onion and rosemary sausages
If you find a vegan that doesn’t have an affinity with these sausages you should probably question their allegiance to veganism.
5. Sgaia’s Pastramheat
The sexiest meat to come out of Scotland since Gerard Butler.
4. Vegusto mushroom and no-moo burger
Possibly a controversial highest placed vegan burger but it’s my list and I’ll do what I want.
3. Linda McCartney vegetarian shredded hoisin duck
This mock meat is clinically proven to mess with meat-eater’s heads. Reason enough to make it in to the top three.
2. Viana seitan steak organic All hail seitan.
Seitan is king. Well, next in line to the throne.
1. Tofurky kielbasa style sausages
Foreign sausages coming over here and stealing the best jobs at the top of our arbitrary vegan lists.